Kunde inte låta bli

Var ute med några vänner och hade trevligt. Vi hade ätit och hade tagit oss till ett ställe för att spela shuffle board. Plötsligt var jag tvungen att plocka fram mobilen för att kolla om hon läst mitt sista mess, där jag frågade varför hon inte pratade med mig, vilket jag kunde notera att hon gjort utan respons än en gång. Jag deppade ihop fullständigt och blev helt frånvarande. Synd eftersom det var en del nya människor jag träffade. Jag kände mig helt uppgiven och tyvärr återspeglades det i mitt beteende. Jag har aldrig varit bra på att låtsas som ingenting.

Förvisso hade jag bara druckit 3 öl men jag lackade ur fullständigt och skickade meddelandet jag filat på i en vecka. Jag borde sansat mig ett tag till men samtidigt så har jag funderat på det länge nog. Nog är nog.

Hi sweetie, 

I honestly don’t understand what is going on n what the purpose of ur silence is. I actually expected some kind of response to my last letter, either that u r thinking or it is over. Whatever u know about our relation I would appreciate if u could share it with me as well. We r two persons in this relation. 

This silence treatment is very strange n unpleasant, n most of all very unlike u. I can’t find any reason for it. I don’t deserve to be treated this way. No one deserves it actually. Does ur family get the same treatment or is it only me? Have something happened to u? Have somebody taken charge of ur phone n accounts so u can’t contact me?

 

If u need time to think n breath it is a lot easier n more polite just telling me instead of ignoring me. I know u told me u do crazy things when u r stressed. If that is the situation now I would understand if u only told me, so I know. I am not good at mind reading. I can wait for u, I have told u many times, but I need to know what u r thinking n what ur future dreams r. If u wanna break up, just tell me. Since we can’t meet irl u just have to text or mail me if u don’t want to do it on Skype. It is easy. U don’t even have to face me when doing it if u feel shy.

 

I don’t know if u can imagine my position n how bad this silence n ignoring makes me feel right now. I can’t get hold of u n u r not answering my msgs, only ignoring me. I am asking for ur understanding to tell me what u r thinking. After all the time we spent close onboard n travelling u owe me an explanation what is happening. We r adults, not small children. We face the problems, not run away. We have to take responsibilty for our actions, now it is time for u to sort out what u have started with the silence treatment. U know it, I know it. I doubt this is the way u really want to behave sweetie. Would u like it if somebody u loved just started ignoring u without any reason n heads up? It is very selfish, cold n rude. Maybe u r stressed or maybe somebody is forcing u to ignore me. 

 

I don’t know what is going on, if u r ok, if something has happened, if I have done something to hurt u etc. There is a million thoughts going thru my head n I have a hard time focusing on other things. I need answers, I need to know to go on with my life. I don’t even know if we r together anymore but in my opinion we r since none of us have broken up this relation. Silence treatment is NOT breaking up for me, it is only a disrespectful, spineless, heartless n coward way of treating people. It only leaves bad scares. Why do u want to hurt me? I can take the truth. I prefer people being honest n respectful. 

 

U wrote u want me to be happy, n that u love me n r serious about us. This is a very strange way of showing that sweetie. This is the opposite. Do u really think I am happy now when I have no clue what is going on n u refuse to tell me although I am asking/begging u? All I get is silence. How can I go on when I don’t even now if I am in a relation or not? I don’t know if I am to mourn n then try to heel, first I need to know if our relation is over. This process can not start until I know. It is ur responsibilty to tell  me if u care for me. But it seems u hate me for some reason considering ur behaviour. I have no idea what I have done to be treated this way. 

 

If this silence treatment is ur plan to make me angry n hate u it is not working, u r only making me sad n worried. I have no reason to hate u even though u r behaving really poor. I don’t want to be full of hate, that will not make me happy. I find it heartbreaking that u act like this, since I care about u n always tried to treat u good. A problem is not going away by ignoring it, u have to deal with it. Maybe it is some test on ur behalf to see how much I love n care  for u? By now u should know that I love u n there is no reason to doubt that what so ever.  

Nwei, how much I would ever dislike or hate a person I would never treat them the way u r treating me now. I really hope u never have to experience the same. It is humiliation n psychological terror u r doing n it is tearing me down. I have no energy left. I don’t want to go to work feeling the way I do now. 

 

Soon I will sign on n when people will ask about u I don’t know what to say. I guess I have to say something like ”She has been ignoring me for some weeks now n I don’t know what is going on. I don’t even know if we r together or not”. Maybe u have told ur friends already, then I will only look like a complete fool since I am the last one to know. It is better that u tell me what is going on rather than I have to ask all ur friends onboard to ask u if they don’t know already. 

 

Last time we spoke on Skype (about 3 weeks ago) it felt like u really cared for me. Ur eyes n smile don’t lie. It felt like u were about to cry when I said I would cry. Few days earlier u sent me naughty pictures. The last text u sent me, u wrote u loved me n were serious about us n that u wanted us to talk on Skype. What happened only few hours later which suddenly made u change ur mind n decide to just start ignoring me? What r u afraid of sweetie? Please share with me, u can always talk to me. If u don’t love me anymore or honestly think I cannot make u happy, just break up with me. No need to treat me bad. If u don’t know what u want, also just tell me. Communication is the key, we have talked about it several times. 

 

From day one u have always been the one worrying if I was serious about us because u didn’t want to get hurt u said. I don’t think u would have liked it if I only ignored u. I hope u understand u r hurting me now with this silence. It seems u r the one not serious about our relation, not me. 

 

For some sad reason it seems u only see problems for our future n since u don’t discuss it with the person it concerns, me, u will not get any feedback n possible solutions. I know ur family will never support my case, u told me urself. It feels u have given up hope n u have excluded me without seriously talking to me. That makes me sad. I really thought we were compatible n would talk to each other if we had problems. We even made a promise about it. 

I want u to know that we have a lot of different options n possibilities if WE want this relation to work but then u have to start talking to me. I don’t want to give up. Do u?

 

I don’t understand anything. I care for u n love u. I actually thought the feeling was mutual. I don’t think I have read/judged u that wrong. I am normally good with peoples character. Is this the way u treat people close to u? R u happy n proud about urself now? Do u think u r handling this situation good n respectful? I would really feel bad about myself if I treated people like u do. 

 

Have somebody forbidden u to talk to me? Does ur family not approve me? Ask urself in that case what they know about me? Do they know me as a person, who I am? Do they know my economy (if money is the problem)? Is it fair what they r saying? Have they been here? Do they know how it works n looks here? Do they know about the social welfare system which is quite unique in the world with all benefits. Do they have any facts n what r they based on? I think of u as a smart n tough girl who makes own decisions. It’s time to grow up otherwise. 

 

If u wanna break up just tell me. Of course I will be very sad since I love u n really hope we will have a future together. But I will be even more sad if u just continue to ignore me. Then I am stuck here hoping that u maybe one day will talk to me. There is no need to hurt me more than necessary sweetie. I gave u my heart, just return it in one piece if u don’t want it anymore. No need to step on it n destroy it. I want to be able to love again someday n give it to a person who will treat it with love n care. Most of all I want that person to be u. 

I still love u sweetie, no matter what, but this silence makes me sad n crazy.  Please tell me what is going on. I deserve to know. I will not give up on u until u tell me to. U r the one I want. This stubborn little girl. Always fighting on her own. 

Muuah